Counting down...

I'm pleased to announce that my new blog will be unveiled sometime over the next few hours...I'll be announcing the address on other venues, but if you miss the announcement, please get in touch at darnellpedzo@gmail.com.


In the meantime, in honour of Valentine's Day, what better than My Bloody Valentine? Though there's no video the song itself is deliriously magical, an all-time favourite that I could listen to over and over without ever getting sick of it.

Bye bye to the Layman's Guide...

The Layman's Guide is moving away, but fret not - it's merely moving to a new location, with a new name and new layout. Details forthcoming...patience, please.

Futile resolutions, Americans vanishing into the Russian wilderness, and why sex on trains beats any other kind

Procrastination: “one of the general weaknesses that prevail to a greater or less degree in every mind. I could not forbear to reproach myself for having so long neglected what was unavoidably to be done, and of which every moment’s idleness increased the difficulty.”   (Samuel Johnson)

Happy New Year. I was just reading that in France, etiquette dictates that one can/should always wish others a happy new year right up until the end of January. I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, or merely something that encourages procrastination. I’ve been back in Kyiv two weeks now, but have been oh-so-slow to recover from the crepuscular funk that’s enveloped me to start 2011. I’m notoriously bad with jet-lag, and this time it’s taken me ages to get back into something resembling a normal routine. Of course, staying up until 7am watching American football can’t exactly help matters.

I’ve never been one to buy into the whole ‘New Year’s Resolutions’ schtick, but I do tend to make general resolutions from time to time. For a while I made my resolutions at the start of September – I couldn’t quite shake the academic mindset, plus when I started teaching I always got jobs that started right at the end of August. September was always the start of something new and thus called for a resolution or two.

Generally I’ve had the same resolutions ongoing for a number of years. They’re probably no different from the vast majority of humanity. Never mind all the exercising more, eating healthier, having more upstanding morals, cutting down on the sarcasm (etc) bullshit, I aim squarely for a more philosophical outlook. Namely:

1. less procrastination
2. less indecision
3. less metaphysics
4. more simplicity

(for a few years I persisted with ‘read less’, which is the opposite of what many people might aspire to, but I kept wanting to get away from having books rule my life – more doing, less thinking, or something like that. Now I say sod it, I like reading and won’t make any apologies about it.)

(but then again…when I asked my pal Murad how I could aspire to be as cool as him, his response: ‘read less and be less self-deprecating in public’. Noted.)

The odds aren’t good thus far. All four resolutions go hand in hand and are hard to disentangle. I think combating such weaknesses would mean a radical overhaul in lifestyle. If there’s a solution, it would have to be drastic. I’ll venture a guess or two as to how this might be accomplished in a moment.

I love travelling - and I mean here the actual process – when it’s by train or proper plane (no budget carriers). I love the rituals, the anticipation and perhaps more than anything else, I love stocking up on reading material at the airport. Most people would agree that the printed matter is far superior to reading on a computer (as far as strain on the eyes and comfort goes) and I especially cherish picking up stacks of periodicals to keep me occupied for days or weeks on end.

But therein lays the problem: when leaving America a fortnight ago, I picked up around $35 worth of reading material at the airport to keep me happily busy in the cold winter months. Every magazine/journal is chock-full of fascinating articles and each one would keep me occupied for at least a week (balanced between other forms of reading, of course – books, stuff online, porn, etc). I could shut myself off from the world and read nothing else but this $35 worth of crap, there are that many interesting articles.

So what’s the problem?

Only one of these magazines is a monthly issue. The rest are weekly. One lousy week’s worth of printed matter can take up a month’s worth of reading!

I’m over-ambitious, and absolutely terrified of missing out on things. There’s just too much out there to take in and the panoply of choice is mortifyingly overwhelming. How is one to decide when we’re surrounded by so many options?

The Economist touched on this in their holiday issue (‘The Tyranny of Choice’):

‘Indeed, the expectation of indecision can prompt panic and a failure to choose at all. Too many options means too much effort to make a sensible decision: better to bury your head under a pillow, or have somebody else pick for you…[a]s the French saying has it: ‘Trop de choix tue le choix’ (too much choice kills the choice).’

It all boils down to this (for many people, not just me, let’s not be too self-indulgent now): there’s a lot of choice out there – what to read, what to do, what to see, where to visit, what to eat. We’re afraid of missing out, so we panic. We aim to simplify, but it’s hard to make a decision as to what to cut out, so we over-complicate matters. As a result, we procrastinate and end up doing nothing at all. And then fret about it, and analyse it to death from a hundred different abstruse angles. Ladies and gentlemen, your four resolutions all wrapped up in one!

These themes have been discussed to death over the years and I’m not qualified enough to add anything much more constructive to the discussion, so I’ll leave it with this, from a terrific article on the subject from the New Yorker:

‘The philosopher Mark Kingwell puts it in existential terms: “Procrastination most often arises from a sense that there is too much to do, and hence no single aspect of the to-do worth doing...Underneath this rather antic form of action-as-inaction is the much more unsettling question whether anything is worth doing at all.’

Right now, the first solution that pops into my mind as far as expiating myself of these sins? Move to Sri Lanka and become a Buddhist. Isn’t that the most clear-cut, logical choice?

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While at home over the holidays, I set myself an overly ambitious list of things I wanted to do. In the end, predictably enough, I managed to do very little. When you’ve got a baker’s dozen worth of cats in your household, that’s more than enough to keep you busy.

I ended up reading only 1 book in its entirety, and I thought I’d share it in light of the release of ‘The Way Back’ (review here) – based on Slavomir Rawicz’s The Long Walk - which as far as I know has to be one of the very few films ever made about the Siberian gulags. And though there hasn’t nearly as much in the literary canon about Stalin and The Great Terror as there has about Hitler and the Holocaust, it still something that I hope most people are fairly familiar with.

(Among the books on the subject I’ve read are Robert Conquest’s The Harvest of Sorrow, primarily concerned with the Holodymor, Stalin’s orchestrated collectivization programme resulting in massive famine and the death of millions in Ukraine in the 1930s; Vasily Grossman’s novel Everything Flows; bits of Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago; and Anne Applebaum’s Gulag; getting a lot of hype is the recently released Bloodlands: Europe between Hitler and Stalin by Timothy Snyder, review here.)

I opted for a different approach with The Forsaken: An American Tragedy in Stalin’s Russia by Tim Tzouliadis, which my old man bought for me last Christmas. As much as I thought I knew about the fate of the disappeared in the 1930s, 40s and 50s Soviet Union, this book uncovered an entirely new chapter, one that I have to confess that I had never heard about: the thousands of Americans who were among Stalin’s victims.

At the risk of over-simplification, it bears repeating that the Great Terror resulted in millions disappearing at Stalin’s behest, millions starved across the Soviet Union and millions deported to gulags all over Siberia, in some of the harshest, most brutal climactic conditions known to mankind. Few survived.

The book describes how in the wake of the Great Depression, many Americans fled to the sanctuary of the Soviet Union and its dream of equality for all citizens. Some were captivated by the ideological manifestations and the grand social experiment that the Soviet Union encapsulated, others were simply looking for work. In helping Stalin achieve fulfilment of his Five-Year Plan, in 1931 Henry Ford set up a factory in Nizhni Novgorod, which was soon christened ‘the Russian Fordsville’ or ‘Nizhni New York’.

Naturally the Americans brought some of their own customs over, the most notable being baseball. Teams were quickly organised, leagues and tournaments were established, games were played in Gorky Park and large crowds flocked to watch. Soon the Russians began to play and if you can resist the author’s overly exuberant claims, you’d believe that baseball came ever-so-close to taking the Soviet Union by storm. Suffice to say it soon became massively popular.

A brief foray into my distant baseballing past

The idea of Americans teaching the Russians how to play baseball struck a personal chord with me. In the summer of 1992, while I was living in Germany, my baseball team went to a small town called Vrchlabi in what was then Czechoslovakia to participate in an international baseball tournament, with teams from Poland, Czechoslovakia, Germany, Italy and Greece. Ostensibly we were there to teach these kids how to play baseball properly, but in the end we spent more time drinking the potent beer and chasing cute Czech girls than actually playing baseball. And when we did play, we actually embarrassed ourselves on a number of occasions, losing to the Poles and Czechs. In fact, I’m not even sure whether we won more than 1 game. All I can remember about the actual baseball we played was that we lost 1-0 to a Polish team who played with an 18 year old pitcher (maximum age was supposed to be 15) and I played with my left arm in plaster after suffering torn wrist ligaments a few weeks prior to the trip.

For those uninitiated to the world of baseball, pitching with one arm is might tricky, and please bear with me on this part. It involved putting the palm of the glove on my left hand (I’m right-handed, which would normally mean wearing the glove on my left hand, thus throwing with my right) and then going into a normal wind-up. After releasing the ball, the natural pitcher’s wind-up would see me slip the glove onto my right-hand (as a left-hander would normally wear it). Logistically, this was very tricky and took lots of practice. It might have been easier just to throw the ball as I normally would and not worry about putting the glove back onto my throwing hand after every pitch. But I had to be able to catch the ball that was thrown back to me from the catcher, and more importantly, I had to transfer the glove to my right hand as quickly as possible in order to be ready for any hard-hit balls right at me. In the end, only one ball was hit at me and I absolutely screwed it up. Once you catch the ball in the mitt, the hardest part is then getting it out with one hand. You have to delicately and quickly drop it into and cradle it into your left elbow (the one with the plaster), shake the glove off your right hand, grab the ball and then throw it over to first base. I ended up launching it thirty feet over the first baseman’s head.

It just so happened that I got my chance to pitch against the only other American team playing in this tournament, and needless to say, they were all impressed, commending me on my effort, saying that they’d never forget my performance. (I’m sure that to this very day, players from that team still post messages on each other’s Facebook wall, with comments like ‘dude, you remember that kid who pitched against us with one arm? man that kid was unbelievable!’). I don’t remember the exact score, but we lost by just one run – something like 9-8 I believe, which for Little League baseball is pretty good – trust me, here.

Anyway, I was far from a pioneer in this respect. I got my inspiration from the legendary Jim Abbott, who was born with only one hand and by necessity had to pitch like this for his entire career, quite a successful one. Here’s a look at how he did it. And yes, everyone called me Jim Abbott from that point on.

Now back to the book

I don’t intend to get into too many details and specifics here. Though the story itself is a riveting one, it’s not the most well-written book and there were lots of things that bugged me. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it. There’s a bit of what I’m going to start calling the Freakanomics principle at work here. Freakanomics presents some truly fascinating ideas. The problem is, those ideas could be whittled down to a series of short essays resulting in a book 1/10 the size that it actually is. I found most of it padded with fluff after the initial, revelatory conclusions. The same goes for The Forsaken. Much of it veers off-topic and for long stretches the American element is neglected or barely mentioned. Once I got the initial idea, I could have skipped large swathes of the middle portion and instead jumped to the end, without missing too much. It relies heavily on the testimony of one particular story, so I kept wondering whether I might not have been better off just reading that character’s autobiography.

It’s also poorly edited with sloppy mistakes; italics are used way too excessively; there are no maps despite the plethora of place names, making it hard to make heads or tails of it at times and I had to keep consulting maps, which is inexcusable for a book like this. And though this isn’t a criticism but an observation, FDR and the Democratic Party as a whole are made to look like raging communists. I quickly realised why my father got it for me – in fact, I think what inspired him to buy it was a review in Newsmax, which is as right-wing a magazine as they come.

I don’t want to be too unfair because it was still a very enjoyable, engaging, gripping read, filled with lots of insight and truly eye-opening tales, of Americans being rounded up in the middle of the night and sent to the gulags, of the futility of trying to get out of the Soviet Union, almost impossible since so many had their passports confiscated and US citizenships rescinded upon arrival. And the tales of their loved ones back in America trying desperately to get some word of their well-being and location, only for most of their pleas to fall on deaf ears were heart-breaking. Joseph Davies, the American ambassador at the time, comes off particularly bad, his negligence and insouciance condemning many of his fellow citizens to their sorry fates. Letters were sent in vain to the State Department, with distraught family members often receiving this chilling reply:

‘Since Mr Cooper no longer has the status of an American citizen, this Department is unable to take any steps which may assist in the obtaining of information with respect to him.’

Powerful stuff.

One other part bears mention. As a huge fan of the classic the Master and Margarita, I was especially intrigued to hear the origins of where Bulgakov got his inspiration for Satan’s Ball from. In the early 1930s, then American ambassador William Bullitt hosted an embassy ball – with Bulgakov and his wife among the invited - themed ‘Arrival of Spring’, with a vast array of mesmerising colours, plants and trees shipped in from warmer climes. Wanting to impress his visitors and display the opulence of America in distant climes, various animals were brought in to entertain. The director of the Moscow Zoo was always eager to loan the embassy animals. Bullitt originally wanted to have the ballroom floor glassed over and filled with tropical fish, but for whatever reason this didn’t work out. Among the animals on display, bear cubs, kid goats and cockerels featured most prominently. An aviary was created for the greenfinches on loan. All sorts of shenanigans unfolded – people dancing with the bear cub, the bear cub shitting on people, drunken Cossack dancing, champagne poured down the bear cub’s mouth. The birds flew into the golden nets in a panic when the jazz band struck up the Star Spangled Banner. Also, the character of Baron Meigel in the book, ‘employee of the Spectacles Commission in charge of acquainting foreigners with places of interest in the capital’ was modeled on Baron Boris Steiger, the liaison officer between the diplomatic community and the NKVD (Commissariat for Internal Affairs).

The ball continued all through the night, with the last guests leaving at 9am, long after the gold-painted cockerels began to crow. The jazz band kept playing, and the guests were too afraid to leave seeing as this might be the last chance for something like this. At this time, things were still going well for the Americans enjoying life in the Soviet Union, but less than a year after the ball, the terror began, and Americans began disappearing in droves. Many remained in camps well into the 1950s, with some being arrested, released, and re-arrested for a second or third time.  

Nothing like a bit of cheery holiday reading then.

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Back to my summer of 2010 travel recap – sort of

Travelling by train just isn’t the thing to do in America. The glory days of the railroad era are long behind us, and these days rail is primarily used for transport of goods across country, though if there’s any part of the country where trains are still popular it would be in the northeast, with the Boston-NY-Philadelphia-DC route widely-used. I once phoned up Amtrak in Texas to enquire about a train from San Antonio to Austin and was laughed off the phone. I ended up having to rent a car – there was only one bus a day and it took three times longer than by car.

With its vast distances, America is better suited for getting around by plane, when time is an issue of course. When it isn’t, there are few things more literary than the great American road trip, and I’ve had my share of fun road trips: one across country from Washington to Florida and two in the deep South.

But for the quintessential American experience, it’s hard to beat an epic, day-long Greyhound journey. During my first year at Tufts, I spent my spring break travelling on a 28-hour journey from Boston to Jacksonville, Florida to visit my aunt and uncle. It was an unbelievable journey – in a bad way. I’m not sure what possessed me to put myself through such an ordeal (it must’ve been much cheaper than flying) for the novelty wore off after the first couple of hours. The prospect of another 28 hours for the return leg filled me with dread for the entire week. My aunt offered to buy me a plane ticket, but I stubbornly refused and endured the bus ride back. 

The beginning of my trip back to Kyiv a fortnight ago started with 6+ hours of coach travel getting from New Hampshire to JFK airport. En route, I was left to reflect on just why I love train travel, and how it trumps all other forms of transport. I could have taken the train, but at $100 versus the $15 I paid for the coach, with both forms taking the same amount of time, it was an easy choice. Trains are more fun anyway in other parts of the world, places where it’s one of the few options for getting around. For my money, few things beat an overnight, 3^rd class train journey in Eastern Europe, though it’s a lot less rambunctious and more sanitised these days than it used to be.

So why is train travel so superior to all other forms? For a multitude of reasons:

• It’s far more social. Like many people, I’m very anti-social when I go by plane or bus, preferring to keep my head tucked into a book. Trains are more convivial places, and it helps when you share compartments with strangers and can look them in the eye, or get a better look at the book they’re reading. Books are such great conversation starters, after all. I’ve not only had some of the most interesting chats with other travellers during the daylight hours, but I’ve shared many a bottle of potent, homemade liquor with inebriated locals on overnight journeys.

• It’s a rare treat to be able to take the uninitiated on an overnight 3^rd class journey. When my sister and I took a freezing overnight from Lviv to Kyiv in January 2006, the poor girl had a rough time of things. While I was fast asleep, she had to use the toilet. She endured a torrid time with the drunk, bantering locals who tried to ply her vodka and fags as she stumbled bleary-eyed through the smoky mist. The idiot also failed to put her shoes on, coming back with sopping wet socks which naturally had to be sacrificed. I found it all very funny at the time.

• There’s a certain, indescribable haziness to overnight border crossings, as you’re shouted at and harassed by border guards, having to repeatedly show your passport while you lie in a half-sleep/half-stupor wondering whether all the indecipherable, blaring announcements emanating from the station loud-speakers in the dead of night might be veiled instructions to round up all foreigners and haul them off to different trains en route to the far east and…the gulags.

• Though you inevitably end up meeting fellow travellers, the real highlight is meeting quirky locals, especially little old ladies. On a train in the Czech Republic years ago, a smelly old pensioner plopped herself down next to me and started peeling potatoes. She saw that I was reading a book on Scottish nationalism (this was just before I was to start my Master’s at Edinburgh). This provided the catalyst for a wonderful conversation about Czech history, with her regaling me with stories from her Prague childhood, with recollections of the second world war, the Soviet tanks rolling in afterwards, anecdotes about Dubcek and much else besides. Despite her extremely limited English and my non-existent Czech, we somehow understood each other. It reminds me now of Mark Twain in Innocents Abroad, where he meets a beautiful young Ukrainian woman in Odesa or Crimea and has a 12 hour conversation with her, despite neither of them knowing a word of each other’s language. Somehow, they made themselves perfectly understood.

• Trains are more literary places. There’s a reason why so many epic scenes in books are set in trains and not buses or planes. And yes, I do realise that trains have been around longer than the other two, but it still seems like some of the most memorable scenes have been featured on trains or at train stations. Amongst so many others, the ones that jump out are the Sheltering Sky, the Unbearable Lightness of Being, If on a Winter’s Night a Traveller, A Suitable Boy, various Graham Greene novels, and of course, Anna Karenina. I know I’m probably missing many others.

• Trains are for real readers – and yes, this will sound snobbish. People read proper books on trains, whereas your typical aeroplane fare consists of trashy magazines and even trashier airport fiction. Sorry.

• I’d like to say that the Great Railway Bazaar by Paul Theroux is another train classic, but amazingly I’ve yet to read it.

• Another glaring omission from my experience: India. That has to be done soon.

• I’d say even the quality of conversations is far superior on trains. Being able to look across at someone and make eye contact makes a world of difference, and the conversations I’ve had and overheard on trains have had much more literary merit than anything elsewhere. I think buses are more suitable for flirting teens, idle chit-chat, aimless thinking and listening to music. Which are all fine and dandy.

• Train station cafes are far superior to those at bus stations. That’s an easy one and isn’t really debatable. Italy, land of great coffee, perhaps the best in the world, and yet the finest coffee I had during my time there was at the Padova train station. And it was in a plastic cup. And that’s not a negative indictment of the quality of Italian coffee.

• Trains take you through desolate villages, picturesque valleys, past meandering streams, sprawling farmland, allowing glimpses of time stood still: farmers with their horses and ploughs, peasants at work in the fields, old and crumbling houses falling to pieces, people sitting by the wayside watching life go by.

• Trains make the journey more a part of the travelling experience. Planes and buses are merely ways to get from A to B. ‘Travel for the movement only, not the conclusion; that way you’ll be a part of the journey and not a victim of it’. (Owen Sheers)

• Though I enjoy travelling on trains everywhere, the further east you go, the more fun the journey. Trains in Germany are too sanitary, though they are incredibly efficient. Spanish trains are nothing special. Britain doesn’t really count. Italy, if you consider it ‘western’, is an exception. I love the trains there. They’re sufficiently grimy and dilapidated, a key trait for fun times.   

• There’s a certain timelessness to train travel. When you’re not in a hurry, it’s easily the best way to go, not to mention it’s more environmentally-friendly. Oftentimes the slow granny trains that make a million stops are more interesting than the rapid ones that fly right by all the tiny villages and skip out on all the little, backwoods stations. I remember the time I enquired about a train in Nigeria to take me from Port Harcourt up to Jos in the north. I felt like it would be a sufficiently ‘colonial’ experience – there I go with my orientalist tendencies again. The train station was derelict, all the offices were closed, yet there were a handful of people milling about, doing nothing. I asked one guy if he knew anything about trains up north. He too was waiting for a train in the same direction. How long had he been waiting? 10 hours. How long until the next train was due to depart? He had no idea, there were no published timetables. 'Whenever the train comes,' he replied. What was the longest amount of time he’d ever waited? Three days. And how long did the journey take? Nearly two days. In comparison, a shared taxi or overly-packed minibus took about 9-10 hours. Despite the lack of comfort in that option, I went with the minibus, an awful experience I hope never to repeat. I lost feeling in my legs for days.

• And lastly, and terribly vaguely here, epic, memorable and nostalgic things just ‘happen’ on trains. There are stories I just can’t share. Yet I’ve got some images that will remain indelibly etched in my memory for as long as I’m alive, from illicit encounters that can only happen on trains, to unbelievable exchanges with the most ridiculous of characters to things I’ve learnt about myself as a person. Trains bring out the best in the traveller, and there’s no other way of putting it.

What’s this all got to do with last summer’s jaunt round Eastern Europe? Not much, other than that I took lots of train journeys and enjoyed them all thoroughly.   

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What Darnell has read/is reading in January 2011: The Loved One, Evelyn Waugh; The Captive Mind, Czesław Miłosz; The White Guard, Bulgakov; Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue: The Untold History of English, John McWhorter; and $35 worth of crap picked up from the airport

2010: A year in review

Well, sort of. More like a partial year in review. If I reviewed the entire year I’d bore even myself to tears.

The year didn’t really kick into gear until mid-May, when I embarked on a series of adventures that look set to continue right into 2011. The first few months, discussed in minor detail on these very pages, were mainly characterised by a largely forgettable stint teaching civics and history in an American public high school. For all the horror stories you hear about teaching unruly classes of 30+ kids, that wasn’t at all the problem. I just had an unfortunate experience where my teaching mentor was a crazed, demented witch who made it her personal goal to make my life as much of a living hell as possible. I’m slowly trying to banish the whole episode from my memory – think Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-style treatment here.

To recap: in May I headed off to Eastern Europe on a 5-week jaunt, followed by about 2 months in the UK working at a summer school, and then at the end of August I found myself back in Ukraine, where I’m happily bedded down. Well, technically, at this very moment I’m back in America visiting my parents and cats and dog for the holidays. I was hoping I’d have more time to catch up on some posts, but I’ve been very busy over the last few days of 2010 watching meaningless bowl games and glued to CNBC, jigging around my portfolio and trying to minimize my capital gains tax for the year. If you’ve got no idea what I’m talking about, then it’s all for the best. But trust me when I say that’s it’s a very complicated, time-consuming process.

But because I wanted to post at least one more time before the proverbial ball drops, here’s a brief look at (or, re-examination of) my summer shenanigans, along with a few photos. I think most of my initial thoughts, posted whilst travelling at the time, probably contain far more interesting insights. Here I’ll just add a few comments that I forgot to at the time, or that came to me much later. Or that I’m just making up right now because I can’t remember anything at all.

Stop 1: Romania: Sibiu – Sighisoara – Brasov - Bucharest

Let’s see, an EU capital of culture in 2007 (Sibiu), Dracula’s home town (Sighisoara), Dracula’s castle (in Bran, a short ride from Brasov) and then a place bearing the heavy burden of history (Bucharest).

My good buddy Magnus, who hails from Greece, has an interesting theory about joining the EU/adopting the euro. Before adopting the euro, Greek cinemas were chaotic, rambunctious places with people throwing popcorn, launching drinks at the screen, stealing each others’ girlfriends and fighting. Afterwards, the general tomfoolery ceased almost immediately and cinemas suddenly became civilised, orderly places. Magnus thought that adopting the euro would be a good remedy to alleviate the hooting and hollering characteristic of cinemas in Chicago’s South Side, but to me these sound like rather more fun environments than the staid ones we’re used to.

What has this got to do with Romania? I didn’t go the cinema in Romania but I do have a similar theory regarding taxis. Most travellers dread the usual hassle from taxi drivers upon arriving at the airport, train or bus station, when you’re usually descended upon like a swarm of buzzards attacking the remnants of a carcass. I used to find this far more unbearable in countries outside the EU and putting my theory to the test, I was especially cognizant of the situation in Romania. And sure enough, it proved true: not once did anyone try and drum up any custom and I was left to my own devices as far as finding my way round town. I saw plenty of taxis, but most of the drivers sat there looking uninterested. Either they were lazy, or the EU passes a directive to new member states instructing their taxi drivers to cease and desist with hassling tourists.

Then again, maybe it’s more an indictment of the way capitalism works in these parts. Take customer service in cafes and restaurants. Not only are waiters reluctant to take your order, but they try and walk away immediately after you order your first item. Ask for a coffee, they jot it down and start to walk off. Order a main in a restaurant, and you practically have to beg them not to back away so you can order a starter or salad. When finished, they quickly pounce, take your plate away, and rarely ask if you’d like dessert. And it’s not like there’s massive turnover in these places and they’ve got other people to seat. Most of the time they’re half-empty.

Okay, so that’s got nothing to do with being in the EU or not. The same applies to Moldova and Ukraine, for the most part. One of my favourite stories about why capitalism doesn’t work in Ukraine comes from a guy I knew who was studying Russian in Kyrgyzstan. He once told me the story of the lady he regularly bought sweets from, and how her supplies dwindled over time. When her supply had finally dried up, he asked whether she’d be ordering anymore.

‘No, because you would just buy them all again!’

I must confess that I’ve pilfered this story (I wish it had happened to me) and passed it off as my own from time to time, but ONLY when I’m teaching. I’m sure every teacher’s done this, so it’s justifiable in the classroom.

My reconnoitre and repartee with a glamorous femme fatale

Bucharest was memorable for three reasons: that ‘palpable sense’ of history I described before, a charming and welcoming host, and my rendezvous with Isabelle Huppert.

Dr Wasabi Islam put me in touch with a friend of his, and she proved to me a wonderful guide to the city, as well as a non-stop source of heavy, existentialist conversation. Thinking about the conversations I’ve often had with non-native speakers of English led me to the following conclusions.

First, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m no great conversationalist, despite all the tips I’ve taken from Samuel Johnson. In some company, I can be a bit of a milksop, while in the company of others, I gab away incessantly. I’ve often found that the vast majority of my ‘serious’ conversations with locals – in other words, beyond the small talk and discussions of music and cinema – get heavy very quickly. This is also definitely an Eastern European phenomenon, and before too long, conversation gets very introspective, deep and often goes off in all sorts of wild directions. Because of certain language barriers, sometimes I find that I’m spewing off the biggest load of nonsense in an attempt to keep my language at a more basic level. I can often hardly believe the crap pouring out of my mouth. For the most part, the conversation is interesting, but I have to wonder at times whether it’s not merely a matter of filling a void – when there’s little else to talk about, existentialism seems the default option.

Amongst all of the fascinating things my host had to offer, this was easily my favourite: ‘the most delicate part of solitude is accepting yourself.’ Which naturally led me to ruminate on the joys of travelling solo.

The charming locals of Sibiu

A monument in honour of Sighisoara's most famous son, Vlad the Impaler

If you look ever so closely, you'll spot the Hollywood-like Brasov sign

Just moments before I told Mademoiselle Huppert what I really thought of her film career

The heavy weight of history: 21 December 1989 square

Heroes from the past: in honour of those who paid the sacrifice on that fateful day

Moldova - Chisinau

It all started off hairy when I was apprehended by the police upon arrival at the train station, but once I was released from custody my stay was a pleasant one. I made the obligatory museum visit (the Museum of History & Archaeology), which featured harrowing WWII photos, an extensive Katyn exhibit, and some fascinating propaganda posters, my favourite being the one depicting a Union Jack/Stars & Stripes/Hammer & Sickle-emblazoned knife plunging through the back of a vicious, fangs-baring Nazi wolf’s head, his blood oozing out all over Berlin.

Other highlights:

• a diabolical performance of traditional song and dance at the National Philharmonic, where I left at the interval

• a forlorn-looking waitress in traditional peasant garb, when I asked why she looked so gloomy: ‘What’s to be happy about?’ This reminds me of the many comments I’ve received from Eastern Europeans asking why ‘we’ smile so often in photos.

• observing standard relationship behaviour in these parts. There are two different models. In the first, one often sees a boy with 2 girls, one of whom is his girlfriend. He’s holding the obligatory bunch of flowers upside down, looking sullen and downtrodden, while the girls happily natter away. This is the female dominant model. Model number two features the typical couple sitting at a café, with the dominant alpha male looking grim and serious, blattering away on his mobile while the subservient woman patiently waits for him to finish. If her phone rings, she daren’t answer it. Honestly, all relationships fall within these two models, no exceptions.

Moldova's finest architectural gems

A time-warp back to the Soviet past: Transdnietria

I can’t really better that ridiculously over-the-top stream of consciousness-style diatribe, so I won’t, and instead leave you with just the pictures.   

 With friends like these...the Abkhazia-Transdniestria Friendship Society

Europe's finest stadium (allegedly): home of FC Sheriff Tiraspol, with the author modelling the new home top

Lenin, Parliament, flags, tanks: just what every crackpot banana republic needs

Wonderful hospitality from some of Tiraspol's lovelies...four of them, anyway

And that is that. Forgive me with the old bait and switch on the title of this post (year in review? more like fortnight!), but I did intend to cover more ground. I’ll instead save it for 2011 and merely wish everyone a happy new year.

To follow in early 2011: my adventures in a sweltering Ukraine, why train travel trumps every other form of transport, and a review of my theatre debut, along with a top-secret, password-protected - ‘for certain eyes only’ - post.

An infinite concatenation of cause and effect

Let’s try something different. Instead of the whopping, rambling mess that I usually splash forth on these pages, let’s go for a more quick-fire rapid round-up of various little tidbits that have been on my mind as of late. So, without further ado…

I’ll start with some doom and gloom.

Since man’s existence is the most considerable and the strangest venture nature has known, it is inevitable that it should also be the shortest; its end is foreseeable and desirable: to extent it indefinitely would be indecent.

EM Cioran, ‘Faces of Decadence’

When December rolls around, I suddenly feel a certain amount of pressure to come up with an appropriately festive-themed piece of reading. I’m not sure if the grim Romanian existentialism would qualify, but if you are unfamiliar with Cioran’s works, the above excerpt is typical. For more light-hearted fare, I’ve opted for Anna Karenina.

* This time four years ago, I was mired in a nasty slog in San Sebastian, mere weeks away from picking up a niggling foot injury that would cap off a somewhat miserable 2006. I was travelling in the south of Spain over the holiday period and it got to a point where I could barely walk. I spent most of my time holed up in cafes reading War and Peace. I spent New Year’s Eve in a small town called Antequera. With hardly a thing going on, I bought myself a bottle of champagne and a rotisserie chicken, drew myself a hot, luxurious bath with bubbles, and settled into War and Peace. So engrossed was I that I failed to notice that 2007 had arrived – a text message from another time zone at 2am alerting me to the fact.

* It’s finally got very cold here. Before about a fortnight ago, it was unseasonably (and eerily) mild. Because I came to Ukraine straight from a summer packed full of travelling and working, I had a limited selection of clothing, and no winter gear to speak of. I had to make do with only a jumper for my first few weeks until another teacher kindly lent/gave me an old, heavy winter coat of his, which is now proving to be a godsend. But I might have been able to get away without it until recently.

My dear little sister will be arriving in a day or so with some more winter paraphernalia and I can fully replenish my supplies when I head home for the holidays.

* One thing I’ll never fully get: how are Ukrainians not more used to the cold? I used to hear the same complaints in Lviv (and Riga, for that matter) about the frigid conditions. My classrooms are like saunas, mainly because there’s no way to control the heat. It’s the same obscene situation in my flat: the heat comes on automatically at a certain time of year and since there’s no way to adjust it, I’ve got to keep the windows open at night to prevent myself waking up bathed in sweat. Honestly, can nothing be done about this?

At school, I’m usually standing there drenched in sweat, while my students sit huddled up in their jumpers and coats. Forget opening the window. Many of them also still cling onto the ‘myth’ that a draft leads to lower back pain. Maybe they’re just addicted to saunas.

* One drawback to teaching English? The anti-social hours. A teacher typically teaches till well after 9pm on any given night. But somehow fortune has smiled upon me this term. I’ve been given a very pleasant timetable where I only work past 5pm twice a week (and even then I finish at 7.15) and finish at 1pm on a Friday. As Slappy the dwarf would say, ‘sweet!’

* Speaking of which, less than a week now till the big Brothers Grimm performance. Just to remind everyone, I play the roles of a TV show host, Rumpelstiltskin, and a dwarf named Slappy. There are only two dwarves in this version.

Tickets have long sold out, so if you haven’t got yours yet…too late.

* Many years ago I was given Andriy Kurkov’s Death and the Penguin, which quickly became one of my favourite books, one which I passed on to a few others. Strangely enough, I never felt compelled to read anymore of his oeuvre.

A few weeks back, he was to make an appearance at the school to give a talk on his past and becoming a writer. Though it was presented in Russian, I was able to get the general gist of what he had to say and even understood the occasional joke. Or at least pretended to and laughed along.

I was discussing what I thought of Kurkov’s writing and trying to list off the books and the order in which he had written them, when a teacher in the vicinity kept correcting me every now and then. I thought to myself, hell, she really knows this guy inside and out.

DP: ‘Wow, you really know your Kurkov.’

Teacher: ‘Well, I should. He’s my husband.’

Thank heavens I had only positive things to say.

Anyhow, said teacher is easily the star of this performance and two of her children are also acting in it. There’s something surreal about doing a play with the wife and children of the writer of one of your favourite books. I’ve met Mr Kurkov and it’s funny now to see him every so often and say hello as if we were long-lost acquaintances. Frankly speaking, I’m too shy to actually say anything more to him. I’ve now read Penguin Lost, the sequel to Death and the Penguin, and am soon to start another of his books, The President’s Last Love. I want to ask him to autograph it, but that might be a bit weird.

* Oceans: highly recommended, especially on the big screen. I sat there stupefied at some of the incredible creatures that inhabit the seabed. I also came away from it thinking I’m never eating sushi or tuna ever again. It’s not only a spectacle of jaw-dropping cinematography, but a heartfelt, poignant take on what humanity is doing to the oceans. And if that doesn’t grab you, then perhaps witnessing the world’s biggest crab orgy just might.

In a similar vein, it reminded me of one of the strangest books I’ve ever read: Lobster, by Giullaume Lecasble . In a nutshell, the premise – without giving too much away - is this: a lobster onboard the Titanic is mere seconds away from meeting his death in a pot of boiling water when tragedy strikes. In the ensuing melee, lobster finds himself clinging for dear life to a young woman who’s had trouble reaching a certain degree of pleasure in her life. The lobster not only clings to dear life, but then clings onto much more, rendering unto this woman her first-ever moment of ecstasy. They tragically get separated amidst the confusion, and the rest of the book is their ongoing quest to find each other. Not figuratively.

* The great mushroom debate: to eat them or not? Half my students and a couple of teachers – as well as the Lonely Planet – say to avoid mushrooms at all costs. In the fallout from Chornobyl in 1986, mushrooms are said to harbour higher-than-usual levels of radioactivity, and apparently this permeates the soil for hundreds of miles in either direction. Chornobyl is only 80 km away, so it might be wise to avoid them. But do I? Do I, bollocks. Am I doing myself any harm?

* I had only ever roasted plantains before, but the other day I threw in a couple of bananas with the vegetables I was roasting and they came out lovely. I left them in about twenty minutes and with honey, they were tasty. Recommended.

* One of life’s greatest mysteries: why has no one yet been able to perfect cling film that actually works properly? It’s one of the most annoyingly useless products on earth. The only greater mystery? Why I continue to buy it.

* One reader asked for more examples of Twads (The World Against Darnell Syndrome). This picture encapsulates it perfectly. No further explanation necessary.

* I’ve been watching Michael Palin’s New Europe lately. Much like any travel programme depicting places you’ve been to, it’s easy to nitpick and find faults with just about every segment. And yes, everyone has a different perspective as to what the highlights of any given place are, but some of his stops have left me wholly disappointed. For starters, I’m impressed that he made the trip to Tiraspol in Transdniestria. But then he talked about what a surreal, utterly bizarre place it was and yet only stayed for 2 minutes of the episode, barely showing anything of the town other than a brief glimpse of a military parade. If you’re going to take the trouble to go to such an out-of-the-way, unique place, at least devote more than 2 minutes to it for godsakes. He also completely neglected to mention Lviv, despite stopping there en route from Budapest to Kyiv. His unbelievably brief segment on Latvia also left me feeling empty, where he devoted most of his time with a chef at one of Riga’s poshest restaurants discussing the over-elaborate security and menu details that accompanied George W Bush’s visit in 2006 for the Nato summit. All the more reason to see these places for yourself and not rely on silly programmes like this.

* Why I love Kyiv (or at least this part of the world), part I: the unpredictability of it all. Quiet nights out with a friend, where you aim to be home at a respectable hour, degenerating into so much more. Just about to say our goodbyes, a few local youths took umbrage at our nationality and started chanting ‘Yankees go home!’ at us (I was out with my buddy Mungo, who’s not American). I thought I was going get my head pummeled in when 3 lovely young damsels came to our rescue and alleviated the situation. And how was I to show my appreciation? By being dragged off to another bar with them and drinking until the sun came up.

Many hours later, I noticed that I had a coat pocket full of dried fish. Only in Ukraine, honestly.

* Why I love Kyiv, (or what an infinite concatenation of causes and effects can lead to) part II: on yet another night, with yet more intentions not to make too late a night of it…a colleague and I were ambling about on the street when we met 3 guys, 1 of whom was Iraqi. With no time for argument, they bundled us into a taxi and took us to some nightclub on the outskirts of town. We didn’t have to pay for a thing, and there was A LOT of vodka flowing that night. After a while I opted for the old Colin Thubron approach and started surreptitiously tossing vodkas back over my shoulder, hoping that it wouldn’t land in anyone’s lap or face.

Sometime that night, between 4 and 7am, I lost my phone. Such is the life of prelapsarian innocence.

* The perils of technology, part I: I never give up, do I? But I realised just how impossible it is to live these days without a phone. It’s cliché to say this, but only when we don’t have something do we realise just how much we rely upon it. I was a floundering mess without a means of communication. Especially since…

* The perils of technology, part II: my internet service has been sporadic and unreliable. Again, when you come to depend upon something and it’s suddenly no longer there…

* Life in Kyiv, parts I-V: Sometimes I’m embarrassed to admit things like this (part I), but on the last 5 Saturdays, I’ve only been home once before 5am. Bear this in mind if you happen to be watching this weekend’s theatre performance. I’ve only been hangover-free for one of the past five rehearsal days.

* I’m embarrassed to admit this (part II), but it wasn’t until I moved to Lviv in September 2005 that I truly began to appreciate the idea of seasonal produce. I’d become spoiled wherever else I’d lived – Nigeria doesn’t count because it was a matter of eating whatever of the 3 or 4 choices that was available and that was it – and enjoyed year-round plump tomatoes, pink grapefruit and aubergines. But once winter kicked in in Lviv, I soon got used to the idea of not getting much more than potatoes, carrots, onions and everything else pickled.

For my produce needs, I relied on the funny old costermonger just outside my flat. She was quite a comical character, and because she could never get my name right, she called me Denis (pronounced DEH-neees). As time went on, we chatted more and more though neither of us understood anything more than the names of products and numbers. Soon, I couldn’t walk by her at all without being pestered to buy something. I began taking the circuitous route around the block if I wanted to avoid her. Comical though she may have most of the time, at other times she started getting cheeky.

One day, she asked me I would mind her stall while she ran off for a minute. Mistake number one: saying yes the first time. She then started taking advantage of my kindness and made this a frequent habit. One minute turned into two, then into three, and before I knew it, I’d be guarding her wares for up to 20 minutes. In this time, I had to deal with irate customers barking at me to sell them things. I was tempted to for a laugh. In one particular moment of ire, I helped myself to some of the gherkins sitting in the enormous white bucket.

This woman’s standards of hygiene were far from desirable. Her hands and nails were black and grimy and whenever I wanted gherkins or tomatoes from this big white bucket, she’d thrust her hands into the cold juices and pluck out a few of each. Strangely, this never seemed to bother me. I reckoned that the pickle juices would kill any germs.

(number of times I got ill in 9 months in Lviv: zero)

One day, whilst awaiting her return from another one of her interminable breaks from the action, a large, fierce-looking Alsatian came up to the stall, and starting helping himself to the contents of the big white bucket. My attempts to shoo him away were met with vicious growls and a shiny display of fangs, so I let him go at it. He was having a grand old time drinking the juice and eating a few tomatoes and gherkins when it came time for him to relieve himself. My efforts to prevent this were in vain, as he thus proceeded to lift his leg and pee all over this woman’s chair. I couldn’t help chuckling over this: hell slap it into her for making me wait and deal with her furious customers all the time!

I never bought anything from that white bucket ever again. I’m sure the dog must have also peed on that.

How about some pickled piss today, young man?

* How I know I’m doing something right with my life, part I: whenever I see people’s Facebook statuses dealing with children’s health problems, the fact that they are soooo tired after a day of work and are looking forward to a glass of wine (does life really get that bad?), or have had a great day out Christmas shopping. Someone shoot me if I ever get to that point.

* How I know I’m doing something right with my life, part II: I recently completed Alain de Botton’s The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work. It’s a revealing read – I never thought reading about transmission engineering, biscuit manufacturing and cargo shipping could be so riveting and insightful. You’ll also never look at electricity pylons in the same way ever again. But the chapter on accountancy really made me feel better about what I’m doing. Not that I doubt it too much these days.

* Why I love Kyiv/this part of the world, part III: when a Natasha gets in touch to meet up, and you’re not completely sure which of the four Natashas in your phone it is. And by Natasha, I don’t mean it as a euphemism for anything else.

* How did my life come to this, part I: out of a potential 4 hours and 30 minutes of football, how much of the following 3 matches - Partizan Belgrade v Shakhtar Donetsk; Metallist Kharkiv v Debrecen; Lech Poznan v Juventus - did I recently watch?

1. bits and pieces of each match as I did other things
2. all of the Shakhtar match and highlights of the other two
3. none
4. I sat glued to every minute of every match

Need I reveal the answer? It must be obvious.

Now, the next question is, why?

1. I have way too much time on my hands
2. I was completely and utterly bored
3. I was too tired to do anything else
4. I truly love this daft sport

Again, need I reveal the answer?

But here’s my real point, and please bear with me. Many years ago, when I used to watch Champions League matches like Arsenal v Barcelona and Manchester United v Bayern Munich, I’d often look at the fixture list of the other ties and see matches like Legia Warsaw v CFR Cluj and Lokomotiv Moscow v Plovdiv and wonder to myself, what poor suckers are stuck watching that drivel? Now fast forward many years later…

(in my defence, the Lech Poznan-Juventus match was played in minus 20 degrees in a blinding snowstorm where by the end you could barely see the pitch, plus it was amusing to watch the Italians with their ridiculous snoods and earmuffs flopping and flailing about all over the place.)

I’d say I need to get out more, but I’m doing just fine with that.

* The perils of technology, part III (or the perils of the lack of technology, part I): all over Kyiv are ticket kiosks where one can purchase tickets for various plays, operas or concerts. Each kiosk seems to have a random smattering of seating for each event. They might have a block of 8 tickets in row C in the 2^nd balcony, along with a block of 12 tickets in row M in the mezzanine. To confirm my suspicions, I visited a couple of kiosks and asked for tickets for the same event, only to be offered various other blocks of tickets in different sections.

The absurdity of this is almost comical. Surely they ought to computerize this ticketing system, right? No wonder you see such large swathes of empty seats at concerts and shows. If someone can’t be bothered to traipse all over town, going from kiosk to kiosk to track down available tickets, then shows are never going to sell out. Where’s the logic in this?

‘The unremitting division of labour resulted in admirable levels of productivity,’ writes de Botton. Um, not in this case.

Perhaps a lesson can be learnt from the industrialization of the biscuit manufacturing process: ‘This mechanization had been introduced not so much because human beings were unable to perform the tasks in hand, but because labour had grown prohibitively expensive. Economics dictated the superior logic of hiring a few engineers to develop three-armed hydraulic machines, then firing two-thirds of the staff and paying them unemployment benefits so that they could stay at home watching television…’

And this from John Ruskin’s The Crown of Wild Olive: ‘Of all wastes, the greatest waste that you can commit is the waste of labour.’

* The show in question was called Samaia, or Georgian Legend. I could probably describe it in more detail if I could remember what it was I saw. It was an impressive spectacle of dancing, twirling, sword fighting, music and…

Actually, forgive me for doing this, but here’s an extract from the website (I’m starting to run out of steam here):

Georgian Legend is a music and dance show which has duly deserved world recognition. The latest advancements in the show-making technology went into putting this world’s major multimillion-budget musical choreographic sensation on stage. The show, retracing the centuries-old history of the arts of dance and music in Georgia and the rest of the Caucasus, is appropriately considered a truly stunning musical event.

Every intricate twist of ancient tales is re-enacted through the brilliant art of Georgian dancers, performers and singers. This magic, reinforced by the breath-taking pageantry of colorful costumes and sets, incredible lighting and unreal sound, weaves a majestic multihued tapestry of the culture of the Caucasus – a feast for the eyes of the spectators and the triumph for Georgian Legend on the world stage. 

As memorable as the show may have been, more than anything I remember paying more for a cognac during the interval than I did for the ticket. And all the empty seats.

The video is also well worth a look.

* I had a minor dilemma on my hands when it came time to celebrating Thanksgiving. I really wanted to watch the Patriots v Colts game, but the one place definitely showing it, Arizona, is on my permanent black-list of boycotts. My other option was the local Irish pub, though they were booked out for a private party. I headed to the city centre to chance it at the Lucky Pub, which for some odd reason – surprise, surprise – had been on my boycott list for a while for some stunt they pulled over the summer.

(Thought I can’t be sure of the exact reason, it might have been something as piddly as Starbucks Syndrome, where they get irritated with you for not spending a certain amount of money. I swear, it’s the same case every time I go into Starbucks. They greet you with the widest smile when you walk in, but if you dare order anything smaller than an extra grande Frappuccino then that grin quickly turns into a scowl. Over the summer, I was spending hours every day watching the World Cup and couldn’t afford, mainly health-wise, to drink beer for 9 straight hours, especially in the blistering heat.)

I lucked out, for they obligingly put the game on for me (promptly taking themselves far from the boycott zone) and I got to enjoy a pleasant Thanksgiving meal of a salad and chips and beer. Though I could have gone to TGI Friday’s, this was about as American as I could get. And they even played the Pixies for a while, which was a nice touch.

It was only when I was leaving that I saw the daily special: ‘Thanksgiving Day in a Lucky Pub – come and enjoy turky’ (sic, obviously).

* Quick question about sports and how it relates to the differences in British and American culture. Why is it that in American sports, if a fan invades the pitch, the cameras never show it and the commentators quickly change the subject until the invader has been apprehended, whereas in Britain the cameras show the entire incident and even replay it on highlight shows after the fact? And conversely, when it comes to gruesome injuries, American television will show it repeatedly from a million angles (think way back to Joe Theismann – how many times was that shown?) while in Britain not a single replay is shown. Something tells me this is worthy of far more in-depth analysis, but what message does this send about the differences in transatlantic sporting mentalities?

* In conclusion, let me offer a brief preview of what is to come in the weeks and months ahead. I hope to put out at least a couple more posts before 2010 comes to a close, and here’s what I’d like to cover:

1.      a wrap-up and photos of my summer travels

2.      in answer to a few of your queries, why I’m not teaching history along with a rant about the problems with the state of education today

3.      details of my recent night in a Ukrainian prison for drunk and disorderly conduct

4.      an insightful, in-depth analysis of the euro-zone crisis

5.      my top 10 cities in the world special

Control your excitement kids.