A funny coffee menu and various other restaurant shenanigans

Coffee has a special feature; it can enter into enchanting relations with the soul. It disposes a person to struggling and directs people to the Spirit purification way. It intensifies and improves the opportunities of an organism. It illuminates an inward world, into precious and passionate words. (Jose Martin)

I mentioned early on at the start of this blog how I’d been able to track down one place that served halfway decent (albeit a tad overpriced) coffee. I don’t frequent it all that often, but not long ago I found another branch of the same coffeehouse (imaginatively named ‘Coffee’) nearer the centre of town. This is not very exciting news. In a nation of avid tea drinkers, it has occurred to me to just forego the coffee and stick with the tea.

But what has always been exciting, or rather, highly amusing, to me, are humorous restaurant situations in foreign countries. The kinds we just don’t get in English-speaking countries. These situations include any of the following:

* bizarrely and hilariously badly translated menus (for example, ‘flesh with blood’ in Riga), replete with some of the most egregiously awful English grammar.
* some of the most insolent and indolent customer service known to mankind.
* that typically subservient attitude where waiters are unable to make any minor decisions without higher authorization.
* miscommunication between waiters and customers. This is standard everywhere.

Customer service in Bishkek is actually not half-bad. I’ve not yet had any dramatically sensational stories to share, other than the amusing descriptions of coffee which follow on these pages.

Americano
It is a traditional American coffee. It is also called a Regular. It is prepared from the big quantity of water and little quantity of coffee. It is a perfect coffee for people to whom the strong taste of coffee is contra-indicated.

I could probably write an entire book devoted to restaurant culture in Nigeria. That was where I first encountered the ‘aspirational’ menu. Despite some 20-odd items listed on a single laminated menu card, only 2-3 things would be available at any given time. It was pointless to order anything without first asking what was available. But amazingly, the waiters never seemed to know what the hell was on offer on various days, even with a limited array of options. The following exchange has to go down as one of my all-time favourites. I was having dinner at a somewhat nice hotel with 3 Nigerian colleagues:

Me: ‘Ah, have you got the steak and mushrooms tonight?’
Waiter: ‘I don’t know sah, let me check.’ (note: remember, even if they do know the answer – though they probably don’t - they must not, under any circumstances, fail to enquire with the chef or boss as to any customer request; furthermore, they must never make a decision without first consulting with the boss or head chef)
Waiter comes back. ‘No sah, we don’t have steak and mushrooms tonight.’
Me: ‘Oh dear. Well, which don’t you have, the steak or the mushrooms?’
Waiter: ‘I don’t know sah. Let me go check.’
Waiter comes back. ‘We don’t have the steak tonight sah’.
Me: ‘Oh, what a pity. Okay, well how about the steak with black pepper?’
[one colleague giving me dirty looks, one kicking me under the table, the other laughing]
Waiter: ‘I don’t know sah. Let me go check.’
Waiter comes back. ‘No sah, we don’t have the steak with black pepper.’
Me: ‘Well, damn it again. I knew the steak was too good to be true. Well tell me, which is it you don’t have, the steak or the black pepper?’
Waiter: ‘I don’t know sah, let me go check.’
Nigerian colleague interjects: ‘No, it’s okay, it’s okay, just bring my friend some chicken and rice.’
Waiter: ‘Okay, sah, let me see if we have it…’

The aspirational menu also exists, though to a much smaller extent, in Bishkek.

Cacao
It is an interesting fact that even though a cacao is a high calorie, it doesn’t lead to adiposity. Even a small quantity of cacao drink gives the feeling of satiation, because of it a person doesn’t overeat. Cacao and chocolate are very good for people with high physical and mental activity. Cacao drink is often called a Perfect antidepressant.

What gets me is that ‘Coffee’ is frequented almost entirely by native speakers of English. Don’t they ever think to ask someone to run their eyes over their menus before they unveil them to the public? One restaurant in Riga featured the ‘Language Salad’, which upon further investigation turned out to be a ‘Tongue Salad’ (tongue and language can be used interchangeably in Russian). But surely they get people to proofread these things, no?

Coffee and Alcohol Drinks
Coffee with alcohol drinks not only warms the soul and body, but also assists in recovery for people who experienced insult.

I inadvertently insulted a waitress in Nigeria when I questioned the authenticity of the chicken I had been served. The thing was as hard as a rock and I couldn’t get my teeth into it; I really thought it was one of those plastic display chickens they use as models in department stores.

Me: ‘This chicken is as hard as a rock. I can’t possibly eat this.’
Insolent waitress: ‘No sah, it fine chicken. Eat.’
Me: ‘Are you kidding me? I can’t even get my [very-sharp] knife into it.’
IW: ‘It is good chicken, it is odalaya chicken.’
Me: ‘Odalaya chicken? I don’t care what kind of chicken it is, that’s not edible.’
IW: ‘No sah, you don’t understand. It odalaya chicken. It good chicken.’
Me: ‘Like [expletive] it’s good. It’s impossible to eat.’

A minor scene thus ensued, when eventually the chef came out to take the brunt of my criticism and insults. We then proceeded to insult each other over our lack of culinary sophistication, and I apparently just couldn’t get it into my thick head that this ‘odalaya’ chicken was supposed to be a decent piece of meat. Only after a few minutes of what I though was their chicanery did I finally get the message. ‘Odalaya’ became ‘older layer’. In other words, an old hen who had reached the end of her egg-laying days. No wonder the old bitch was so tough.

Tea
Tea-drinking not only slakes thirst, but also strengthens health. It was used as therapeutic agent since early times. In any kind of tea there are a lot of nutrients, because of it not drinking tea is a big mistake. It can replace many medicines and vitamin complexes.

Okay, I get it: I’ll stick with the tea.

'Uhh, what are those mosquitoes doing in my soup?'

'Looks like the backstroke, sah.'