Getting Kazakhed at the Kazakh border

Some time ago, I was having a conversation with a few people regarding the term 'to be Shanghaied'. We were discussing its origins and then moved onto other examples of where we use city or country names as a verb. And amazingly, we couldn't think of any. Why don't more of these terms exist? Surely a language as rich, inventive and creative as English would have churned out a term or two along these lines, no? Anyway, from this point on, I'm starting up 'to be Kazakhed'. Listen up and spread the word.

Yesterday I was travelling from Shymkent to Tashkent, two cities a mere 120km apart. Without properly doing my research (mistake #1), I assumed what Lonely Planet had written regarding getting across the border was true, and I followed their instructions to the hilt. Bad idea.

I consider myself a savvy traveller but I was rather impatient yesterday and couldn't be bothered haggling too much. I've also realised my Russian is absolutely pitiful, which makes negotiating doubly difficult. I paid the equivalent of $7 to take a 110km ride to the border post of Chernyaevka, from where I expected to be able to cross by foot before taking a short 10km or so taxi to Tashkent, which supposedly would cost me $5. That's what Lonely Planet says anyway (my friend Sian calls it Lying Planet, I think she's right).

I got to Chernyaevka only to be told that most nationalities, including Americans and British, could not cross there but had to go to Yallama, another 100+km away. I think my taxi driver knew this. Suddenly there I was, stuck at some remote border post, with little option but to continue with this clown. His asking price? A cool $50. I flat out refused and looked round for other taxis. Realising they were on to a good scam, none of them budged below $50. I was stuck behind the proverbial rock and a hard place and reluctantly had to give in.

Confusing matters, this crook of a taxi man handed me off halfway to another taxi man. I couldn't understand what the hell was going on, and I made sure, or so I thought, that before agreeing to this that I wouldn't have to pay another dollar or tenge (the Kazakh currency) for the privilege. They were both in agreement and seemed to understand me.

My new taxi driver seemed like a nice chap. We even stopped en route for some lunch, a bit of plov (which was unbelievably good) and shashlyk in the middle of nowhere, his 'treat'. There was some good banter between us even though he spoke no English.

Then as we were nearing the border crossing, he pulled the car over and demanded 4,500 tenge ($30). An argument ensued and I refused to back down. So we just sat there and stewed while he berated me for my supposed insolence. He went down to $20. I refused. I repeatedly told him that I'd already paid and agreed on a sum, and that I had already got ripped off enough as it was. He suddenly understood nothing of what I had to say. After about 15 minutes of our stand off, and sensing that we weren't going to get anywhere, I literally threw $10 at him and called him a bad name. He actually smiled and wished me a good journey. I reckon he thought that was better than nothing, the indolent git.

It was a blisteringly hot day and I was sweating profusely by this point. I still had to get across the border, which only took about 4 hours or so. I'm not sure why there was such a lengthy delay, for there were only about 15 people crossing over to the Uzbek side. When the first [Kazakh] border guard examined my passport - I'm using my American one - he asked me what state I was from. He seemed perplexed when I kept responding with New Hampshire. He shook his head over and over, saying 'no, no, what state, what state, for example Alabama, Missisissippi, Florida...' (he must have had a deep affinity for the deep south). I persisted with New Hampshire, but he was becoming increasingly agitated and exasperated, so I then said New York and this seemed okay with him. He clearly needs to brush up on his New England geography.

Originally when I'd negotiated that $50 fare, I was told I could be taken all the way to Tashkent. Not so of course. There's no way those taxi men would go through the hassle of a 4 hour border crossing, and I feel a bit foolish for not considering that ahead of time.

Once I'd got across the border (after a brief health check-up to see whether I had swine flu, or pig influenza as they called it), I was met by utter isolation. Hardly a soul in sight except for two taxis who wanted another $50 to take me to Tashkent, which was another 100+km away. An original 120km trip had now turned into around 350km and was proving way more expensive than originally anticipated. I was ruthless in my bargaining and got one guy down to $25, a small consolation.

I eventually made it to Tashkent and eventually found a place to stay thanks to a number given to me by Italian Brian, though the place is nothing as he advertised. I'm in a sweltering, tiny room with more mosquitoes than a Nigerian rainforest, living next door to a couple of 12 year olds and sharing a bathroom with them as well. One of them came knocking on my door last night at 10.30 asking for my passport. Just a little bit suspicious I'd say.

Lessons to be learned?

1. Do your research ahead of time, especially when crossing borders in Central Asia
2. Never assume anything
3. Don't take shit from taxi men; stand firm and hold your ground
4. Be patient (my downfall)

Whatever the consequences, I've learned my lesson. Let this whole experience be called 'getting Kazakhed'. You can invent your own definition, but here are 3 good choices. Choose the one that fits best:

to be Kazakhed (v)
1. to be ripped off in Kazakhstan
2. to be lied to in Kazakhstan
3. to be fleeced and misled by taxi drivers at a remote border crossing in some former Soviet hell-hole with already convoluted and mind-boggling borders stemming from a time when a country's leader (i.e. Stalin) decided it would be fun to draw random borders traversing different ethnic groups and then creating a nightmare border situation for 21st century backpackers too stupid to check on updated border situations before setting off on a journey