Thank you, France, for making me look like an idiot

I'll save my thoughts and attempt to salvage my reputation for the very end.

For now, a few observations and musings from the first week or so of the Cup.

Fine, it was scrappy

Despite a post last summer where I complained about people who used 'scrappy' to describe a match (the gist of my argument: those who use scrappy don't know what other words to use), I can't come up with another word to label the Japan v Cameroon affair. I just couldn't get into it at all, and there I was closely scrutinising Japan's style of play in an attempt to see how it reflected the Japanese way of life. I'm no closer now than I was before the match: it was as scrappy as scrappy gets.

Vintage 'African' defending

Hmm...not sure of the adjectives I should be using to describe Cameroon's defending on Japan's goal: anytime you score on a corner with the ball landing at your feet, you have to question the marking. The same with the goal Nigeria conceded to Argentina, where there wasn't a defender within 5 yards of Heinze. Diabolical would be one word, to quote Alan Hansen. But how about that opening South Korea goal against Greece, almost a carbon copy of Japan's, except that from the corner the ball bypassed 3 Greek defenders? I'd put them all in the same category. I expect much better from Greece.

Negativity & Caution, Part I

Netherlands v Denmark: so disappointing, especially from the Danes. No ambition whatsoever, even when they attempted to push players forward. They were obviously playing for a draw, and then after going a goal down, seemed content to minimise the damage by failing to alter their style. Reminded me a bit of La Liga, where teams would rather settle for losing 1-0 than risk throwing all caution to the wind and losing by a greater margin. Abject, at best.

A wonderful cultural experience

Watching the US v England in an Irish pub in Kyiv: highly recommended. A third of the crowd were good-natured, football-ignorant drunk Americans who were more interested in having a good time than in watching the actual passage of play; another third were bitter and irate (and drunk) English supporters, who were equally annoyed with the antics of the Americans as with the goal England conceded; the final third were drunk locals, most of whom were too plastered to know what was going on, though most seemed to be cheering for England. Next to us – I was there with my good buddy Mark – were a group of quintessentially slutty, typically 'Brit-faced' English girls in England tops, getting mightily perturbed by the Americans.
[and yes, considering the circumstances, I was happy with the US getting a point; they got away one there, though could have stolen the three points had Altidore scored.]

A very brief aside on 'Brit-face'

A couple of very good friends who I shan't name and shame here accuse me of having an affinity for girls with 'Brit-face'. This all started when I commented to one of them (okay, it was Dr Wasabi Islam) that Virgin Atlantic flight attendants, the female ones anyway, were attractive. He vehemently disagreed, calling them mediocre at best, and accusing me of having bad taste. He coined that typical look to be 'Brit-face'. What that means exactly, I don't know, but it might have something to do with mousy features, pale skin and painfully average looks. I'll say no more.

Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. Or, my first lousy prediction?

Something I didn't reveal in my original pre-World Cup column when I made Serbia my pick for a surprise run. I also picked Serbia to make a surprise run 4 years ago, when they were beaten in all 3 of their matches. I made that pick on the strength of their qualifying performance where their stingy defence didn't concede a single goal. (wait, I could be wrong on that – doesn't seem likely, but I don't have the time or inclination to check just now – how's that for lazy reporting?!)

So did I learn my lesson? Clearly not, on the back of their performance against Ghana. In my defence, the sending off was harsh, and although it was a clear penalty, it was a highly pointless and unnecessary one. Ghana certainly didn't light up the pitch, though Serbia hardly presented much of an attacking threat. For the record, I do have to say that I'm happy Ghana won, and I would love to see them qualify for the next round, even at the expense of Serbia. It might make me look bad, but so what – I want to see the African teams do well.

In the meantime, let's hope Serbia can knock Germany off, or my reputation will really be in tatters.

However...

That was a clinical and brilliant German effort against Australia. The way they closed down space, pressed, cut off Australia's passing lanes should be put in an instructional video for all aspiring young players. Conversely, Australia were poor. No invention, off-the-ball movement or adjustments to the way Germany were picking them apart. They frankly looked like amateurs out there, but this is definitely a better Germany team than I had thought.

Negativity & Caution, Part II

Greece's win at Euro 2004 was a revolutionary movement in world football. It well and truly proved that an average team can knock off the very best with tactical discipline and tight organisation. This was a moment where it became clear that the most wily coaches could stifle the most potent attacking threats with the right game-plan. This is a blueprint many not-so-talented, less skilful teams now follow. I thought I was watching that very same Greece team reincarnated in the guise of Switzerland against Spain.

There's no denying the skill levels and wonderful passing techniques of the Spanish. Their pinpoint short-passing game, mastery of possession and mazy diagonal runs and crosses are something to behold. But the Swiss proved that the right game-plan can foil even as potent an attack as the Spanish, as good as they usually are at unlocking defences. For those, myself included, who might want to criticise the Swiss for this, they are after all playing to their strengths. What's the alternative? To play a wide open, Spanish-style game? They'd probably lose 5-0. To their credit – and let's not forget that Spain did miss a few gilt-edged chances and got unlucky by hitting the post 3 times – they executed their plan masterfully and were rewarded with an industriously scrappy goal.

Far from lamenting the passing of the 'beautiful game', let's be realistic and just accept that teams are going to play to their strengths, even if it means dull, turgid tactics.

I've been wrong before, but this is far from a bold prediction: Spain will make it out of their group. Of that, I'm sure.

Good impressions, bad impressions

Uruguay were outstanding against South Africa, though Suarez ought to be ashamed of his diving. South Africa were abysmal. I saw poor off-the-ball movement, lots of static defending, general sluggishness going forward, tactical naivety (blame the coach) and strangest of all considering the home support, a lack of fighting spirit. They'll be lucky to make it out of this round.

Greece v Nigeria: a microcosm of this whole World Cup

In my book, this has been the most compelling match thus far. It seemed to have it all.

The first thirty minutes or so was rather lacklustre, though Nigeria did seem more up for it, with crisper passing and flashes of attacking savvy. Rehhagel started with a very defensive alignment, seeming content to counter or rely on set-pieces, Greece's route to success in 2004. Nigeria's opening goal had a hint of fortuitousness about it, though the game was utterly transformed with the dismissal of Kaita after half an hour. There's no doubt that he had to be sent off for kicking out at Torosidis, but the Greek ought to be ashamed of his histrionics, with a clearly delayed reaction to the 'assault'. There's Greek drama for you. Luckily for them, there was to be no tragedy.

In a masterstroke of absolute genius and ambition, Rehhagel brought on Samaras and immediately caught Nigeria off-guard. With just under 15 minutes in the first half, he astutely gambled that Nigeria would fail to re-organise themselves before the break, and the move paid off with an equaliser from Salpingidis just before halftime.

Salpingidis, however, was guilty of one of my biggest bugbears in football. I strongly believe that players should minimise the scale of their celebrations on penalties (unless it wins a penalty shoot-out), own goals, and especially heavily-deflected goals, such as this one. More often than not, deflected goals are either horrendously off-target shots, or straight at the keeper. If you score as a result of a wicked deflection, then you've got to tone down the celebration. And no, I'm not at all bitter or anything, even though I was pulling for Nigeria. Cheating Greeks.

A brief aside on Lars Lagerback, Nigeria coach

I've never been a fan of his. I thought he wasted a lot of supreme talent with his tactics while in charge of Sweden. Too often he gave too much freedom to great wingers like Ljungberg and Wilhelmsson who played way too wide and failed to roam inside, relying on them to loft long crosses into the box for Ibrahimovic to deal with. In the meantime, Sweden would fail to take advantage of that extra midfield space created by the width of their play. Lagerback certainly has something of a pragmatic reputation, and I was worried about what this might mean when he was appointed Nigeria boss a few months ago.

For starters, in this match I struggled to determine what formation Nigeria were in. Before the sending off, it almost seemed like a 3-6-1 at times, 3-3-3-1 at others, with Yakubu somewhat isolated up front. Afterwards, and in the second half, they reverted to a 4-4-1, and failed to really adjust after falling behind. During the later stages, it looked to me like a 4-3-2, which smacks of indecision and/or the players not executing instructions. I'm not sure, but the Nigerians looked unbalanced and confused.

Now, to quickly dispel what I believe to be the '10-man myth'. Simply put, I don't think playing against 10 men is always such a good thing. Defensively-minded teams, such as Greece, will often shut down opposing teams when they lose a player, making themselves extremely difficult to break down, and hoping for a bit of luck on a set-piece. Unfortunately, Nigeria aren't Greece, and 'shutting down' wasn't an option, the more so when Rehhagel gambled by bringing Samaras on. Nigeria didn't present much of an organised resistance, and weren't at all helped by sloppy, naïve defending, and hopeless clearances. It was only the goalkeeping heroics of Enyeama, who's been truly brilliant in his two matches, which kept them in it.

Sadly, it was his mistake that gifted that supreme acting talent Torosidis with the winning goal. Perhaps it's the curse of the controversial ball yet again, the same one that bedevilled Rob Green and the Algeria keeper into making ghastly mistakes. Enyeama deserved better than to spill a seemingly routine shot into the path of Torosidis after the stunning saves he'd made up to that point. But you can't rely on your keeper to bail you out time and time again.
One question, though, and this isn't sour grapes: on the winning goal, Samaras was down in the area, holding his head. Shouldn't the referee have stopped play? I've been wondering about this.

What would Frantz Fanon think?

I find it frustrating that almost all sub-Saharan African teams are managed by Europeans, who supposedly bring more tactical nous to the game than locally-groomed managers. That's the general stereotype anyway. (Interesting that Algeria and Egypt are managed by native-borns.) Nigeria's previous coach, Shaibu Amodu, came under fire for his tactics, even after steering his team to qualification and the semifinals of the African Cup of Nations. Qualifying for the World Cup in Africa is no easy feat. Getting all the players back, most of whom play in Europe, in time for the fixtures is more difficult than it sounds, matches are often played in oppressive heat, and a lot of the smaller teams present terribly tricky propositions, with poorly maintained pitches and treacherous playing conditions. In short, qualifying is a massive challenge, even with a team as talented as Nigeria.

I was disappointed that Amodu wouldn't have the opportunity to guide Nigeria in this World Cup, and it must really piss off the Nigeria FA that Lagerback has a mountain to climb to get Nigeria into the next round. I'm definitely questioning his tactics, as are many others I'm sure.
But do you know what's really amazing? At 1-1, if Obina doesn't miss that proverbial 'easier-to-score-than-miss' chance with the empty net beckoning, and Nigeria hang on to win it, we'd all be praising Lagerback and saying that Rehhagel got it all wrong. Funny game, football.

Lastly, in the interests of objectivity, let me be emphatic about this: Greece were terrific and fully deserved to win.

Okay, let the hatchet job begin

I'm mortally embarrassed that I picked France to win the whole thing. It will take a minor miracle for them to escape their group. If Mexico and Uruguay conspire to draw, they're out, and you know South Africa will put up a big fight, wanting to go out on a high. And besides, their hopes of qualifying are only marginally slimmer than France's. The French's best bet would be for Uruguay to win by a couple and for them to beat South Africa by a couple (I haven't checked the maths, but that might do it).

As for France, I'm not sure what to say. Anelka has been anonymous. I was mistaken in that things were harmonious in the French camp. Malouda apparently had a spat with Domenech, which meant he was out of the starting eleven against Uruguay. I'm baffled that Toulalan and Diaby have both started both France matches, when Gourcoff should have started in place in Toulalan against Mexico.

But it hardly does any good to nitpick: France have just been dismal, displaying no cutting edge, very little incisive and lots of misguided passing, and resorting to speculative efforts at goal. Mexico weren't great on the night, but they were easily better than France and were deserving of the win. France are embarrassing, and I'm beyond embarrassed with my prediction. It's clear at this point that I should refrain from predictions and stick to 'analysis' and rambling.

The only good that came from the match was that for the first time I could actually hear a bit of chanting over the din of those wretched vuvuelas, and I was gladdened to hear plenty of 'boos' emanating from the French supporters as the players trudged off at half time.

Though I am tempted to say something about Argentina and I will: damn, they look good. I thought Samuel might be their only real weakness – I've never been a fan of his – though the injury he picked up today may rule him out for a bit.

I should also point out that it's 1.30am and I'm in Lviv for the first time in 4 years, which is bringing back an overwhelming wave of nostalgia and emotions as I visit old haunts and see old friends. That's my excuse if none of the above makes much sense. I shall now go to one of my old favourite nightclubs and drown my sorrows. And I'm completely sober at the moment.

Or maybe I'll go to bed instead. Tomorrow's a big day with England and the US in action.